You Get to Decide Who You Are

For a long time, I thought I had a strong sense of identity. I would tell myself, I respect myself. But when I really stopped to think about it, that certainty started to unravel. Did I truly know who I was, or did I just have a good idea of who other people thought I was? Was I living in alignment with my own values and desires, or was I shaped by the expectations and opinions of others?

If I’m honest, I realized I didn’t have a strong sense of who I was outside of other people’s narratives. I’d spent so much time living up to an identity others built for me—one that didn’t feel entirely true or comfortable—that I lost sight of my own definition of self. And that realization was painful. It’s hard to look back and acknowledge how much of your life has been dictated by external forces, and even harder to admit that you’ve been disrespecting yourself by prioritizing those external forces over your own inner truth.

But here’s the thing: self-respect begins with self-knowledge. If we don’t know who we are, we’re not really respecting ourselves. Instead, we’re just respecting the version of ourselves that other people want us to be. And if that version doesn’t make us feel good about who we are, we’re piling guilt, shame, and frustration on top of the pressures we’re already carrying. That’s a heavy burden to bear.

Let Them Think What They Want

This is where the popular “let them” theory comes in. It’s a simple but powerful concept: you don’t have to correct other people’s misconceptions about you. If someone wants to misunderstand you, let them. If they want to walk away from you, let them. If they can’t see your value, let them.

So often, we waste precious energy worrying about how others perceive us. But what if we stopped? What if we focused more on our own sense of identity and less on living up to someone else’s expectations? What if we let go of the need to be everything to everyone and instead embraced the freedom to be fully ourselves?

You Get to Decide

Here’s the truth: you get to decide who you are. You don’t have to fit into anyone else’s mold. You don’t have to live up to their desires, expectations, or opinions. You are the author of your own identity, and that’s both freeing and daunting. Why? If you decide who you are, then the successes and failures you experience in life come down to you. That’s a lot of responsibility but also an incredible opportunity.

For years, I defined myself in ways that didn’t serve me. I saw myself as someone who needed to be desired and who existed for others’ approval. But that never made me feel loved or valued. It made me feel like an object—something to be admired but not truly seen. Deep down, I craved being valued for who I was, not for how well I fit into someone else’s idea of who I should be.

Finding the Middle Ground

This journey has made me realize that the truth lies somewhere in the middle. We shouldn’t live solely for others’ respect but don’t need to dismiss it entirely. The goal is to know who we are and find people who value that—people who appreciate what we bring to the table without trying to change us to fit their mold.

When we define ourselves and truly know and respect who we are, we create space for the right people to find us. These are the people who will see and value our uniqueness, our perspective, and our authenticity. And isn’t that the goal? To live authentically and be loved for who we are, not for who others want us to be?

Start Here

So, ask yourself this: Who do I want to be? Not who others expect you to be, not who you think you should be, but who you truly want to be. Take the time to reflect on what makes you feel aligned, fulfilled, and free. Write it down. Visualize it. Take small steps every day to honor that identity.

It isn’t easy to unlearn years of living for others, but it’s worth it. Because at the end of the day, you get to decide who you are. And that’s the most freeing truth of all.