Were You Taught to Be the “Good Girl”?

How Some Church Teachings Shape Our Boundaries and Self-Worth

 From a young age, many girls are praised for being accommodating, agreeable, and “nice.” These traits, often presented as virtues, are reinforced in various ways—especially within church communities. While kindness and generosity are valuable qualities, the way they’re taught can sometimes blur the line between healthy selflessness and unhealthy self-sacrifice.

Let’s unpack how these teachings have shaped many of us and explore what it means to unlearn them as adults.

The Messages We Hear Growing Up

In many faith communities, there’s a strong emphasis on selflessness as the ultimate expression of Christlike love. Girls, in particular, are taught to:

• Put others’ needs before their own.
• Avoid conflict and maintain harmony.
• Demonstrate love through sacrifice.

We hear phrases like:

• “A good Christian girl is selfless.”
• “Put others before yourself.”
• “Be a servant to all.”
• “Love like Jesus by sacrificing for others.”

These messages often come with the best intentions—to foster kindness, humility, and compassion. But over time, they can lead to an internalized belief that prioritizing your own needs is selfish or even sinful.

The Impact of These Teachings

For many women, this mindset becomes second nature. We say yes when we want to say no. We prioritize others’ feelings, wants, and needs over our own—even when it hurts us.

The unintended results?

• Loss of self: We stop asking ourselves what we want or need.
• Fear of boundaries: Setting limits feels like rejecting the people we’re trying to serve.
• Guilt: Taking time for ourselves feels wrong, even if we desperately need it.

The cycle is hard to break because it’s tied to our sense of worth. Being “nice” becomes not just a habit but an identity—one rooted in the idea that love is proven through sacrifice.

Reclaiming Your Voice

As adults, many of us find ourselves at a crossroads. We realize that constantly saying yes to others and ignoring our own needs isn’t sustainable. But unlearning this mindset is messy and uncomfortable—it feels like stepping into unfamiliar territory.

So, where do we start?

1. Pause and reflect.
   Give yourself permission to slow down before responding. Ask yourself, What do I actually want here?

2. Redefine kindness.
   Kindness doesn’t mean ignoring your boundaries. True kindness includes being honest about your limits and taking care of yourself.

3. Challenge guilt.
   Remind yourself that saying no isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You can love others without losing yourself.

4. Embrace the mess.
   Learning new ways of being takes time, and it won’t be perfect. Give yourself grace as you navigate this process.

Faith and Boundaries Can Coexist

For those of us raised in faith communities, this journey also raises spiritual questions. Can I honor my faith while prioritizing my needs? Am I still being Christlike if I say no?

The answer is yes. Christlike love isn’t about losing yourself—it’s about showing up fully, with authenticity and integrity. Setting boundaries isn’t about rejecting others; it’s about creating space to love yourself and others in a healthier, more sustainable way.

Let’s Rethink the “Good Girl” Mindset

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Many of us are unlearning what we were taught about selflessness and relearning how to live with balance, boundaries, and authenticity.

It’s okay to reflect. It’s okay to ask questions. And it’s okay to take up space.

What’s your experience with unlearning the “good girl” mindset? Drop your thoughts in the comments or share this with someone who needs to hear it. Let’s continue this conversation together.